10-12 years ago my now ex Mother-in-law and I were getting buzzed on Margaritas. We were the only ones in the house at the time. She was talking about how she wished she would have done things differently when she was younger, and her children were still young. She told me that she, “Spent too much time making sure she had a clean house, and not enough time making sure her children had a safe home”.
I never discussed that conversation with my ex – that topic – her whole relationship with her father – was taboo. He is a fuck-wad. I know through one of the sisters of my ex what kind of childhood they had. I know through my brief (3-5 times in ~ 18 years of being his “step-son”) conversations with him. He was and is an evil man.
After taking him out to an expensive dinner (the first time I met him) at the original Macaroni’s Grill (and for those of you dealing with the chain – I am sorry. It is a pathetic reflection of the now closed original) we were enjoying dessert. This was a $150 meal on my then $19K/year salary. I was working two jobs for that money and my now ex was in her Master’s program. It was rare that we ate out, much less this extravagant. So my ex-Father-in-Law proposes a toast that ended with something like, “Never breed with this guy”. Yep – my ex Father-in-law is a class act.
And tonight I open a fortune cookie that says, “A clean house is an example of a wasted life“.
And that’s the mood I am in tonight. There are so many things I really don’t care about right now, and a few things I care everything about. I could dust. But anyone can dust. Or I can sit and think, and draw, and dream. I like it this way. It’s when my mind is clear of an unending stream of stressors that I can relax, and think. The negatives fall away when I am in this mood. The odds always seem to be in my favor and any weather is good weather. Customer problems suddenly seem solvable and I often find myself resisting the urge to call them at 4am and let them know that.
It’s nights like this that I find myself unable to sleep – but it doesn’t bother me. I sit here in the near-dark with my laptop and an engineering notebook – writing down every wild thought and sketching pictures of things I really don’t even recognize. But I may recognize them tomorrow. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.
My house isn’t clean, my life isn’t dirty, and my mind is free to wander.
That’s what doing what you love to do offers you – the ability to occasionally have a great day instead of every now and then not having a shitty one.