Announcing my Candidacy for President of the United States

* Update * – It was just pointed out to me that I didn’t state my party affiliation.  I’ll be running as the first candidate for the "Toga Party".  I just wanted to make that clear.

 

Yes, I’m running.  No, I’m not taking any money.  Just votes.  I’ll trade Joost invites for votes, in fact!

But I’m not making any promises either, beyond these:

  1. As long as our service men and women are in harm’s way there will be no tax deductions allowed whatsoever.  None.
  2. As long as we are a country at war, effective immediately, every single non-deployable Government employee will have wages reduced by 20% and all Congressional Health Care needs will be met exclusively via the United States Military Healthcare System.  You fat-asses under-funded it, now you can live with it.
  3. Any person entering the country that brings with them a large trash bag, and fills it up on their way north (or South, for those kookie Canadians) will get citizenship.  We need someone to clean the highways, and this is a zero cost solution (NONE of my opponents have proposed ANY solution, much less a zero cost one!)
  4. A state of emergency will be declared that prohibits the following: Driving less than five MPH over the posted speed limit in the fast lane – on any street, any where, at any time – regardless of driving conditions.  ALL citizens are hereby empowered to use deadly force to ensure compliance with this law.  We are a nation at war.  Time is of the essence.  If you are slowing down our highways, you are slowing down our victory!
  5. To conserve energy there is an immediate ban on worthless broadcasting – reality shows, talk shows, Network News, and Air America are hereby shut down.
  6. Anyone that publicly demonstrates their belief that they are better than another human being, be it racial, religious, intellectual, or physical in nature will be "out-sourced".  Preferably to the adult-sex slave trade in Thailand.  (Let’s see you act mightier than thou then!).
  7. The Internet will not only be free, but effective immediately all available ad space is under the purchasing power of the Federal Government.  We will use AdSense Revenue to fund this war, provide free Internet to the world, and educate our children.  Google can afford it.
  8. "The West Wing" cast will come back for at least one more season.
  9. "Deal or No Deal" WILL NOT come back for even another episode.
  10. Based on areas of sectarian violence, the country will be split into six distinctive areas, each with their own "war-lords".  The Lefties (CA, OR, WA State) will be ruled by Iron Fist Arnold.  The Middies (everything east of California, North of Texas, and west of the Mississippi) will be ruled by The Sierra Club. The Yankees (all them little states up in the north east that we can’t ever remember the names of) will be ruled by Ted Kennedy.  God help you.  The Deep South will be ruled by Al Sharpin – Don Imus will be his "’ho".  All them places far away (Hawaii, Alaska, Puerto Rico and Maine) will be controlled by Al Gore (hey, it keeps him busy, what with the travel and all).  Finally, we have Texas – which will be ruled by the gun, as it always has been.  Every resident over the age of 16 will be required to wear an exposed handgun at all times. (wait – was that six?  Lefties, Middies, Yankees, Deep South, "places far away", and Texas.  Yep – that’s six!)
  11. Finally, if elected, I will not move to Washington.  Instead the white house will be torn down and a tent city will be put in its place.  Secret Service, and all other current security measures will stay in force to protect those on the grounds.
  12. The Capitol will be relocated to Texas, where no Secret Service is required (since we’ll all have guns, remember)?
  13. The Interstate Highway system will be abolished.  Only states that "agree with each other" will be connected (at their expense).
  14. Every man, woman and child will perform 5 hours a week of community service to qualify for any state or federal aid whatsoever for ANY benefits, regardless of age.  That’s 5 hours a week, for life.

I’m looking forward to your support.  I know some of these items are going to be controversial (really, Ted Kennedy?) – but my staff and myself have spent countless beers hours debating, investigating, and fine tuning this platform.

Thank you for your support!

Comments

  1. Paul – re: #10 – For years, every winter, my tax dollars have supplemented home heating oil for people in those states. Not once have I received any assistance with my Air Conditioning bill – not even when it was 108 degrees and my A/C bill was $700 a month. So they owe me. This is my little way of getting some payback.

    And I bet a few of them will be quite happy about it.

  2. #10 .. what have the Yankees ever done to you, to deserve this fate?

  3. Paul, re: #6. Yeah. Brilliant, isn’t it? πŸ™‚

  4. #6 will turn the US in an incredibly sparsely populated country.
    It will also make Thailand burst at the seams…

  5. Paul – no, TVLand will pretty much be ok, as will ESPN (mostly) and The Discovery Channel. What else do you really need?

  6. #5 .. That’s basically a very simple ban on radio and tv. Period.

  7. Ah! So, since these are merely ‘campaign promises’ I would, if I were you, add a few more that are sure to attrackt voters, if ONLY to be able to enforce 8 and 9.
    How about: 15. I will make EVERYONE a millionaire.

    Hey, Cramer (mad money) says something similar on TV and MILLIONS of people jump off the cliff he just recommended! So… it’s a strategy that WORKS!

  8. @Paul – comment 1 – First, if elected, I’ll change it so you can vote. 2. I know

    Cooment 2 – I numbered them. I am not sure item 1 and 2 will prolong the war. If Congress can’t write off anything on their taxes, I imagine they’ll want us out as soon as possible. Not that it really matters – I mean these are campaign promises – it’s not like I would actually *do* any of them once I was elected πŸ˜‰ (except numbers 8, and 9 – they just need to be done!)

  9. Too bad you didn’t number your agenda items: that would have made it easier to comment on them.

    Anyway, I’m VERY worried about the first two ideas, since they provide an incentive for the government to wage perpetual war, just as a way to maximize federal income. And hence it will accomplish exactly the opposite of what you intend by it (getting service folks OUT of harm’s way).
    BAD idea!

  10. You will NOT get my vote, for two simple reasons:

    1. Despite my being here legally and invited, paying taxes, social security and other dues, contributing to the economy in various ways and participating in various communities: I am not allowed to vote.

    2. I already have Joost.