- Your back is totally jacked up and you are on Vicodin.
- Your kids go off and do their own thing – leaving you to your own devices.
- You think you turn the oven on, but instead you just turn on the timer.
- You screw up and forget to put the plastic TV dinner on a cookie sheet. Without the cookie sheet, the TV dinner melts. Ugly scene.
But I have to figure out how to get the melted plastic out of the oven. I consider just cooking it off by selecting “self-clean” on the oven. I try that.
It took only minutes for black smoke to come billowing out and set off the smoke alarm.
Because of my back, I couldn’t reach the ceiling to hit the “off” button on the smoke detector, so I struck the smoke detector with a golf club (yes, it was in my kitchen, and no, I can’t explain why). The alarm stopped, but the smoke detector flew across the room into the sink, where it crashed into three glasses, destroying two of them.
The light was off above the sink, so I went to turn it on and clean up the glass, but I hit the garbage disposal switch instead of the light switch. Broken glass was grinding and flying. My reaction times were slowed, but somehow I missed getting hit by any glass.
But I was barefoot, and now standing in a kitchen full of black smoke with a floor full of crushed glass.
Next, my dog comes into the kitchen, probably because I am shrieking (but I don’t recall shrieking). He is sniffing the floor and I am scared to death he will inhale glass so I yell forcefully at him – more forcefully than I ever have. Forcefully enough that I literally scare the piss out of the poor guy and he runs off – but not before adding a puddle of pee to the smoke and crushed glass that was littering my kitchen. I had created complete mayhem in just a matter of minutes.
I am alone and high on pain killers. I can barely reach above shoulder height, and I certainly cannot bend over at all.
And I am still hungry. And angry, now.Â And my back still hurts. A LOT. I managed to get out of the kitchen without cutting my feet.
Eventually a banana and a handful of carrots works pretty well. No heat involved. I’ll clean the kitchen after I get some sleep.
Life is easier when your back doesn’t hurt.