Last Will and Testament

(I wonder if this will be considered a legal document – it is my wish and intent that it is).

So, for various reasons, I don’t trust a written will.  If I had one in a house and bank in San Diego, both might have been burned by now.  But putting it online ensures it’s available forever, right?  Google cache, The Wayback Machine – someone will have a copy.

Anyway, just to make this simple.  I’d like to stick my two best friends Bob Cole and Bruce Hughes with coming in and sanitizing my belongings.  You know, clear things off my hard drives, make sure I didn’t leave two kilo’s of cocaine under my bed, de-inflate the girl in my closet – basic cleanup.  They have absolute discretion over what they do with my stuff until they deem it is "clean".  They have primary initial access to my residence, web properties, and any financial accounts.

Anything historically interesting (as deemed by Bob and/or Bruce) will be donated to whoever is willing to keep them safe. I like the Witte Museum, but it’s up to them.

Everything else will be sold for cash value and the proceeds split equally among my children (deducting $3800 from my daughter’s share since I had to pay for her braces 3 times – long story).  It was in no way her fault, but it still bugs me.

My dog will decide who gets to live with him.

My personal papers, including this website, will be simultaneously deleted and/or burned at a party that will be open to anyone/everyone.  The first 5 kegs of beer will be on my "estate".  Any leftovers can and should be claimed by the cleansing team.

All of the books that pass the cleansing process will be donated to RoomToRead.

I don’t want my body buried.  I would prefer to be "blown up" but there are laws prohibiting that. Let some mad scientist (or even a sane doctor) take what they find useful and please just dispose of the rest of it.  I DO NOT want any of my family members to have me sitting in a jar on the fucking mantle, thank you very much. 

So, to my lawyer friend looking for a case study on online wills – now all you have to do is wait for me to die – and litigate 🙂


  1. The guy with the rifle standing by the corner of the house scared the fecal matter out of me. I think he would have shot you first being the slower target.

  2. OH YES! I DID forget! I don’t know how I did – shit, that was a scary time!

    Glad I’ve grown up (right!)

  3. I haven’t finished reading the summer of 82 yet but did you forgot about Vito the drug smuggler, I think he should at least get a mentioned seeing how he let us live

  4. I guess its a trade off

  5. @Dan – yep. Lost the wife, kept the hair. It’s a decision every guy is forced to make at some time or another! 😀

  6. hey i saw your picture whatever the heck its called you still have hair i’m jealous well partialy

  7. @Dan – Ahh.. so cool you comment. Folks, this is an old friend of mine I hadn’t talked to in 20 years before today.

    Let’s try to not scare him away, ok?

  8. Hey wait a minute. After reading your last will and testament I will remind you that you promised me the inflatable doll back in the summer of 1983 unless of course you wore that one out and have a new one in which cause I defer to the executers of your estate. In regards to you being blown up it was also promised while, playing intellivision that same year, that if you went before me I would get to light the stick of dynamite shoved up your a**. Dan

  9. Sometimes, you stumble across a comment thread and begin to wonder whether you’re looking at a comment thread or something from an old IRC chat log…

  10. Maybe I am, but just didn’t want it out all over the www 👿

  11. @Ric – well, at last you aren’t using it to soak up Crisco in the bedroom.

  12. We use it to soak up all the grease from her cooking 😈

  13. @Rick – you make your wife use kitty litter? That’s odd!

    As long as you’ve been married I would have thought you would have her potty trained by now. 🙄

  14. Was going to save ya for the next time Kate runs out of kitty litter. 😛

  15. 😆 Thats great xD

  16. @Rick – what – you want my dead ass up there next to your bowling trophies? I don’t think so!

  17. Well hell! there goes that idea for the empty spot on my mantle. Guess I’ll have to save it for someone else…like my dog. 😛