Lauren’s House of Hoes

About eight years ago, when my daughter was 8, she had a class project.  She had to build something she could have built in the days of the Pilgrim’s.  And she had to do a recorded video sales pitch.  Basically, she had to invent something the Pilgrims could use, and she had to sell it with a 60 second video.

Being an involved parent, and someone that enjoys making things, I decided to “help”.

We made a “self-seeding” hoe. Basically a hoe with a large tube on top to hold corn that had a trigger mechanism. You used the hoe to dig a hole, pulled the trigger, and drop corn seed into the hole.  No bending over.  Saves time.  Brilliant. (heh)

This would have been a revolutionary tool for the Pilgrims.  I thought this alone would help Lauren get an “A” in the class – but we also needed to sell it…  and that’s where I got a bit out of control.

I wrote  a script that sounded like something from a RonCo commercial.  It was all about my eight year old daughter and her revolutionary hoe.

It ended with my daughter almost screaming, “So if you want the best experience of your life, come on down to Lauren’s House of Hoe’s“.

I knew none of the kids (including my daughter) would get he double-entendre – but I knew the teachers would.

Yes, the Principle called me – but only to tell me that her and the staff laughed so hard at the video that they spewed! They showed the video again at the orientation for the new group of teachers the next fall.  For all I know, they still show the video.  This was in Hawaii – in 1996.  Hard to make good home-made video then.  So the quality suffers a bit.  But the writing (IMHO) makes up for it 🙂

I have the original video – both the VHS and the (later) digitized version.  I don’t plan on sharing it again until my daughter’s wedding.  So wait for it – hopefully for a LONG time… but the “Lauren’s House of Hoe’s” video was a hit 8 years ago, and I think it’s still funny today.  But my daughter has a different opinion of it – and that is why I am saving it for her wedding 😉


  1. 😈 😈 😈 😈

  2. You know Rob, not only does your math not match your entrepeneurial spirit, you are like an EVIL Dad! 😆

  3. I don’t think they might be having any effect, but anyway, all I have is Free Download Manager plugin 1.0 and Web Dev toolbar. Nothing else. What else could be the problem?

  4. @Yuvi – this comment is being posted with FF – so I don’t think the problem is just FF. What extensions do you have in FF?



  5. That officially classifies me as a kid, since I didn’t *get* it…

    And, still unable to comment from FF…

  6. @Paul – as to your second comment – I forwarded it to Al Sharpton and JJ. You can expect a call 😉

  7. OK, you already know my math sucks 🙂 – I thought it was when my daughter was 8. I thought she was 8 in Hawaii – I didn’t bother with the math 🙂

    So she says she WAS 8, but we weren’t in Hawaii – so she was probably at Sam Houston Elementary at the time.

    When you move as much as I have, it’s hard to keep track. I should just leave years out of stories – I can’t make mistakes if I don’t use numbers… hmmm I wonder if I can post stories using NO numbers 🙂 ?

  8. As for the post itself: “Basically a hoe with a large tube on top that had a trigger mechanism”
    Was that ‘tube on top’ and/or the trigger mechanism curled and, well… kinda messy?
    Because that could have turned the video into “Lauren’s House Of Nappy Headed Hoes”

  9. You know .. I AM the self-appointed guy that keeps you honest.

    How do you explain this:

    a) Date of post “Sunday, May 20th, 2007 at 6:33 pm ”
    b) quote: “About eight years ago”
    c) quote: “This was in Hawaii – in 1996”

    (considering that the ‘6’ is NOT next to the ‘9’, I’m not buying the ‘typo’ excuse: you HAVE to come up with something more original! I also don’t accept 3 years as little enough to count for ‘about’)