Social Rules for the Supermarket I went grocery shopping this morning, something I despise doing. It’s always a royal pain in the ass – mostly because people just don’t seem to follow any rules. So here are the Social Rules for the Supermarket:

  1. The same rules apply as for driving a car. If in your country you drive on the right hand side of the road, then keep your damn cart on the right hand side of the aisle.
  2. Unattended carts are fair game. Other shoppers are allowed to move them, take stuff out of them, put stuff in them, or just take over ownership of the entire cart. Possession is nine-tenths of the law, and all that.
  3. You cannot shop and chat on the cell phone at the same time. Some of us can – you are not one of us.
  4. The person with the lightest load must always yield to someone with a more full cart. There is only one exception to this rule – those who are handicapped or elderly always get the right of way.
  5. The last jackass in the store that should cut me off, or get in my way is the damned employees – you are absolutely allowed to call them an idiot if they ignore this rule.
  6. The store is NOT the place to stop and gab with your friends while you completely block access to vital foodstuff. Get your fat ass out of the middle of the aisle.
  7. When shopping with family, kids, friends, etc you must negotiate each aisle in single-file. You cannot shop four abreast.
  8. ANYTHING the store puts in the aisle that gets in your way is free game for you to relocate. I know they need to restock – but that’s their problem, not mine. If the store puts something in your way then please, feel free to move it.
  9. If your ass is so wide that you block and entire aisle while you shop then you must shop at 2am and under no circumstances is your fat ass allowed in the cake, candy, or ice cream aisles.
  10. Each shopper is allowed one trip from the checkout lane back to get a forgotten item. Rule # 2 still applies – to include the people behind you cutting in front of you. So before you leave your cart unattended at the checkout you better be damned sure that your fat ass REALLY needs that six bag of Cheeto’s.
  11. (From Deannie) – If your child can’t be controlled, get the hell out of the store.

OK, I feel a little better now. Just a little.


  1. @deannie: broaden this rule from ‘store’ to ‘store, restaurant, movie theatre, concert, museum, library’ etc etc’

  2. You forgot my cardinal rule for people with tiny children: If your child can’t be controlled, get the hell out of the store.


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