Things are different now

In High School I had one “girl friend”, and another girl who I liked and I know liked me.  But once you established a relationship with a girl you pretty much stuck with the relationship until either someone did something to break the trust, or you graduated.

My son is a Senior is High School, and just left here with probably his sixth “new” “girl friend” in the last two years.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m glad my son is popular with the girls, but I just don’t understand the shift in relationship dynamics.  I imagine the fact that teenagers today don’t consider oral sex to be sex might have something to do with how easily they seem to move in and out of relationships.  No, I don’t think Derek is sexually active, and yes I know he might be, and yes, I know he wants to be.  I can’t impress any more upon him how important it is not to screw his life up at this stage – so now I can only sit back and rely on his common sense and his upbringing.

But the young lady my son went out with today is stunningly cute – beautiful even – and has her own car, and a license, and picked him up.  And she was very polite, and of course she loved our dog Yoshi (who doesn’t!)







I hate to admit it but I will have a double-standard when it comes to my daughter dating.  I know it may not be right, but it will be enforced.  I just can’t help it.  It just feels like the right thing to do.


  1. a) Daughter has access to condoms – I completely agree sex will happen when she decides it will happen – not when I decide it will happen.  But I won’t encourage it to happen.  Not at 15 (or 16, or 17, or ever – I’m her dad, dammit!)  And my son gets the same lectures.  The difference is that I think the odds of someone pressuring my daughter into having sex are just higher that the odds of someone pressuring my son to have sex.  So the increased risk increased the amount of security that needs to be put in place 🙂

    b) Yes.  Us QA guys that actually make unresonable demands on programmer’s ("hey, shouldn’t this work?",  are assholes 🙂

    c) And yes, I know you’ll get at least one of those beers – but you WILL NOT get all of them!

  2. a. About being realistic: I can tell you from experience (I know you don’t believe this, but I myself have once been 16!): if your daughter and her then boyfriend want to have sex… they will have sex. With or without your consent. If you simply forbid it, you will close all communication lines. If you keep the communication lines open, at least you can engage in debate over such matters and AT LEAST talk about "safety measures". Insisting on strict abstinence only increases teem pregnancy. THAT is reality. Your double standard is promoting the very thing you want to prevent.b. I object STRONGLY to the incorrect notion that programmers have a tendency to complicate things. Au contraire, mon ami: we are deconstructionalists: we simplify. It’s the QA and support folks with their weird ideas on how stuff should work who complicate things.
    c. Do you really think a dog and a 9mm pistol can keep me away from your beer?

  3. Nah, Paul – you are adding too much complexity here (damned programmer’s always do!).

    My son’s girlfriend (#4, I think) spent the night at his gf’s house – her mother called and asked me if it would be ok, and I agreed.

    If Lauren’s bf’s father called and asked if Lauren could spend the night at her bf’s, do you really think I am going to say yes?

    And I can’t live my life they way I hope my children live theirs – too many scars already.  I don’t know many parents that are able to live their lives the way they hope their children will.  I drink, I smoke, I gamble, I’m divorced.  All things I hope my children don’t do.  Sure, I could change some of my behavior to set a better example — and in other ways, I have. 

    But you are right, fundamentally (and wrong realistically).

    And Yoshi (and my Smith and Wesson 9mm) diligently protect the beer!

  4. With your post you’re teaching your children that "I know it’s wrong, but I HAD to do it" .. is an acceptable justification for bad actions. If YOU tell them that, then expect they will some day echo back that same argument to you. And then it will be to late.

  5. You failed to explain how your ‘standard’ will be different from the one applied to your son. And more specifically, how you think you are going to enforce it.I think it’s good for you to ‘feel’ such a double standard is wrong. That’s a step in the right direction. Now take the second step .. and let go of it: THAT would be the right step. How on earth can you expect your kids to be rational and not be lead by their instincts, while you yourself are knowingly irrational and let yourself be guided by your instincts in this matter (paternal protectiveness of daughters). It’s wrong Rob. And bad. ALL kinds of nasty consequences, and above all: completely ineffective. In fact, it will be COUNTER effective. You’re too smart to fall in that trap! DON’T make me come over their and kick your shins (and steal your beer)!

  6. I completely agree that my prospects of a double standard are absolutely wrong.  It’s irrational – but so am I when it comes to my daughter.

    It’s funny that I know it is wrong, but I feel no need to apologize for it!

  7. Well, see, I have a problem with that! I guess I have worked in too many good ole’ boy companies and this idea that men have a different standard makes me crazy. I understand that to survive in that atmosphere I (as a woman) can never forget that men see a woman as a saint or a slut. But I hate the double standard! As always, just my humble opinion 😉