Violent Acres » Archives » My Adoption and How My Biological Father Tracked Me Down

I generally like reading Violent Acres.  I don’t try to figure out who V. is, or if she is lying or not.  I don’t care.  I usually enjoy the story.

But I hate it when people say that a father has no chance in hell of getting physical custody.  First, I don’ think it’s true (I have physical custody of my kids, and I have had it for over 6 years).  Second, I think it’s sending a message to men to not even bother trying. 

And THAT bothers me! 

There are men right now reading who have taken a trip through family court and know, first hand, how freaking difficult it is to do what Henry Smith did. It is currently the year 2007 and most men don’t have a shot in hell at full physical custody of their children. Henry Smith, on the other hand, won full physical custody of a 2 month old baby girl back in the 70’s. The fact that this happened very glaringly shows what the court system thought of my Mother. Apparently, they were not amused by her.

Source: Violent Acres » Archives » My Adoption and How My Biological Father Tracked Me Down


  1. @Deannie – good question. I’m sure the data is available somewhere.

    I personally know four fathers who fought (I mean really fought) for custody. I am the only one of the four that was successful.

    The bad news is I know a lot more than four fathers that fought for their children in hopes of hurting their ex more, getting a “better deal” on child support, etc. Shameful.

    Like any other social change, this too will take time.

  2. How many men really TRY to get custody? It is a lot work and sometimes I think men just can’t fathom taking on all the work that accompanies children and focusing at work too. Sure society has this weird idea that children should stay with their Moms but when men really DO try to fight (as in V’s Dad’s case) is it possible that they are often successful?

  3. Liberty – I know V didn’t mean anything by it – and I wasn’t criticizing V – I was just stating a personal opinion – I don’t like the way it’s always (almost) portrayed as “impossible” for a father to get custody.

    Maybe if society started ASSUMING men had an equal ability, and an equal chance, men WOULD get an equal chance.

    And yes, I know – more men to to BE MEN when it comes to raising their children. But there are damned good fathers out there – and they deserve an even shake.

    Thanks for popping in!


  4. I tend to agree with Jon, I don’t think the point was that fathers shouldn’t even bother trying, it’s just that courts DO tend to favor mothers over fathers, for reasons I can’t fathom other than perhaps “tradition”.

    V writes from her own perspective rather than one sympathetic to others around her, so if her story doesn’t include a hearty, “Go, Biodad! See how it IS possible for dads everywhere to get the rights they deserve?” keep in mind that’s because she’s the “child” (adult child?) in the story, not the *dad* in the story.

  5. Jon – I agree with you 100% about the Family Court system. It is broken, and unfair.

    But father’s need encouragment to fight the fight, and force a change to the system.

    How often do we see anything in print encouraging father’s to seek custody? Not often enough! Fortunately, people ARE starting pay attention, and many organizations have formed in the last few years to try and affect change.

    Thanks for stopping by, Jon!


  6. Rob, I don’t think it tells men not to try, but rather the stark state our nation is in when it comes to deciding deserving parents…

    Apparently in your case they did OK!